


To You I'll Always Return

by lady_meatball



Series: Thanksgiving in Boston [2]
Category: American Actor RPF, Chris Evans (Actor) RPF
Genre: Aftermath of miscarriage, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Gen, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8502475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_meatball/pseuds/lady_meatball
Summary: Katie comes clean, telling Chris everything in the dark of the rainy night; Chris has a heart-to-heart with his mom the morning after, beginning to come to terms with the news and his own emotions before picking up his niece and nephews that afternoon. Katie begins coming out of the cloud of depression that wiped her out after the previous days events and telling Chris.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings- Talk of loss of a pregnancy-emotions and aftermath. FEELZ.  
> LONG ASS PIECE you have been warned.

  * Visual board for this piece [**HERE**](https://lady-meatball.tumblr.com/post/152875702165/via-to-you-ill-always-return-polyvore-to-you)

 

 

_Drip. Drip. Drip…_

Laying in bed, I stared at the ceiling of Chris’ old bedroom, listening to the rain fall outside the open window.

It was the start of the week of Thanksgiving, and it was looking to be a gloomy one thanks to the weather which finally broke as Chris pulled the rental in the driveway. He had pulled over as we got to town, needing to break the silence that was so thick you could slice it with a knife after the horrible way I had lashed out at the bar, kissing Jules to make Chris feel a sliver of the pain I had living with recently…I had flown in late the evening before last, Chris meeting me at the hotel attached to the airport yesterday morning before whisking us both off to Gillette Stadium for the game between his Patriots and my 49ers; to say I had been in a foul mood would have been putting it mildly, and now, after the fact and sober while fighting a hangover headache, I felt all of an inch tall for how I had acted, the things I had said and done on top of finally confessing…it hadn’t quite been two months we’d been together, but in that time span, Chris and I had gotten extremely close; this was the third trip I’d taken in the last month alone to see him for a short burst of time, and the second trip to his family home…from what his mom and sisters had hinted at over calls, texts and Facetime, along with his reassurances, he was serious about where things were headed with our relationship…he wasn’t aware of just how serious things had gotten, until I began having a panic attack in the gas station parking lot when he pressed the last time and I couldn’t hold back any longer, falling into hysterics as I told him; that was a lot to process and come through, coupled with a stressful day of traveling, the guilt and shame of my actions earlier that day and the weight of trying to deal with the aftermath of the previous trip to Georgia alone, my brain couldn’t shut off even though I was beyond exhausted from having to maintain the show all day; I was once again spending the night with my old friend Insomnia when I should have been fast asleep, wrapped up in Chris’ strong arms but here I was…

Thankfully, when we got to Lisa’s house, everybody had gone to bed; walking in on autopilot, I dragged up the stairs once the dogs came up to sniff and say hello, licking hands and standing to be petted. Heading to Chris’ old room, I dropped off my suitcase, grabbing my night clothes and making for the bathroom, I took care of business before stripping down to change into my pajamas, getting myself ready for bed. Chris joined me not long after, the air still tense between us, but now it was filled with such sadness as he corralled me down the hall, into his old room.

“Get in bed.” He told me quietly, pointing to the mattress without looking at it as he tugged his shirt off. Working his pants down, he stood before me in his underwear. It was the first time he’d looked at me, focused intently solely on me since he pulled the car over to confront me in the gas station parking lot.

“Chris…” I sighed, on the verge of sobbing; the look on his face was one that warred between shock, emptiness and pain with a healthy sprinkling of worry and desperation thrown in the mix.

“Kay-” Chris said, face quivering as his voice cracked, looking at me as he took a deep, shaky breath, pointing to the Queen sized mattress “-it’s been a week since I shared a bed with you…”

“Chris, I can’t…I’m still recovering, and…” I sputtered, my anxiety ramping up as I panicked he was going to get angry or force himself on me, but he cut me off, staring at me bewildered, his shoulders slouched.

“Babe…I’m not going to hurt you-” He sighed, his right hand coming up to scrub over his face before explaining, “-I just spent the last week worried sick about you, not imagining _THAT_ was what you were going through, and after the emotional roller coaster you’ve put me through today alone…I don’t fahking know which way is up right now, so just get in the fahking bed please! I just need you in my arms…you can rest assured, sex is the _last_ fahking thing on my mind right…get in bed and let me hold you.”

Lowering my face, I turned, pulling down the covers to kneel on the mattress and scoot over to the side closest to the wall, my side of the bed. A pillow came to land next to me with a muffled ‘thwump’ then another as Chris retrieved the extra’s from the small closet, left there after my last trip. I grabbed the extra pillows, arranging them as a cushion between me and the wall before hunkering down, my back facing Chris as the bed dipped and he joined me.

“Will you open the window? So I can listen to the rain?” I asked quietly, feeling him retreat from the edge of the bed to open the window a few inches. The light clicked off, leaving the room in darkness, only the sound of rain permeating the cocoon of Chris’ boyhood room as the mattress shifted with him climbing back into bed and his body enveloped mine for a tight hug from behind; fighting back tears, I turned my face into my pillow as his lips met my cheek.

“I’m so very, very sorry, Baby…but you gotta stop shutting me out. Please…” He breathed, tugging my body back into the center of the bed. “I love you, please remember that.”

* * *

I laid stiff as a board while Chris fell asleep, numb and trying not to move, but after so long, my body ached from unconsciously clenching so hard and I climbed out of bed. Crossing the room as quietly as possible, I slipped out of his old room, heading for the upstairs bathroom before making my way to the small guestroom that wasn’t occupied, needing to be alone. I managed a whopping fifteen minutes before Chris fumbled with the handle of the door, poking his head in blearily.

“Babe? What the fahk are you doing in here? Come back to bed…” He mumbled, rubbing his eyes at the doorway.

“I just need to be alone right now, Chris. Please…let me be alone.” I sniffed through the never ending tears; it was always the worst at night, my brain never shutting off, all the possibilities and what-ifs, the could have beens…

“No…” He said quietly, stepping into the room and shuffling over to the twin sized bed I lay curled up on. “You’ve been alone too damn much lately…in your head, on your own, it’s poisoning you.-” He whispered, a hand moving to his face to rub his eyes. Stopping at the side of the bed, he added, “-Come back to bed, we can talk there, and I can keep an eye on you…”

The bed dipped where his knee rested behind my ass, and the next thing I knew, he had me scooped up, pressed to his chest and moving out the door and onto the landing as he headed back to his room. Feeling secure in his arms, and without much strength left in me, I snaked my arms around his neck, pressing my face to his warm skin.

Setting me on the bed, Chris motioned me to scoot over, asking as he crawled back into the sheets, “You ready to talk?”

Shaking my head in the minuscule light of the moon, I told him softly, “No.”

He settled on his back, close to the edge of the mattress, pulling me to curl up along side him, to rest my head on his chest. He sighed deeply, one hand cradling the back of my head as his thumb made slow passes over my skull in my hair.

“Okay-” He sighed, “-Let me know you’re ready to talk…I’ll be right here.” He told me, kissing my forehead gently; I began crying all over again while he held me, keeping silent vigil with his own thoughts of the knowledge I passed on.

* * *

Blowing out a frustrated breath, I shifted my body, trying to find a comfortable position to spend the last few remaining hours of the early morning staring up at the shadows on the ceiling; the soft in and out of Chris’ breathing next to me made me had me fighting a small, sad smile; I couldn’t be mad at him, he had developed the ability to zonk out at the drop of a pin thanks to extremely long shoots and the necessity of getting rest whenever he could, but that same ability meant he was blissfully unaware of my predicament and the fact that deep in the back of my mind, every time he snored I was contemplating smothering him with my pillow.

“No.” I thought, sighing. “I’d miss his ass too much.”

The bed shifted, Chris’ body turning towards me; his left arm blindly reaching for me, half asleep. That small gesture, even in his sleep, had my heart aching in a good way; he knew just how to make me happy, or at the very least, try. I grabbed his hand, pulling his arm over me, resting my hand on his forearm, caressing him softly; his arm contracted, drawing me against his body. The next thing I knew, Chris’ face was nuzzled into the side of mine.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” He asked, his voice a deep croak from sleep. I felt his growing whiskers brush my cheek as his lips pressed a kiss.

“My brain won’t shut off.” I yawned, frustrated and leaning into his touch. “I’m so tired, but I just can’t go to sleep…-” Inhaling deeply, I let out a heavy sigh, confessing on a soft breath, “-it’s always the worst at night…but I don’t see me getting any sleep until I tell you…”

His fingers stilled on my waist, I could feel his entire body tense at the last words I spoke.

“You’re finally gonna tell me what happened?” He asked, voice clear of sleep but anxious with the sudden seriousness in my tone.

“Please…Chris, just let me talk, otherwise I’m going to lose my nerve and shut down down again…” I implored, staring up at the ceiling as I felt the onset of another anxiety attack. Holding his muscular forearm, I used that as a grounding lifeline; closing my eyes, I began.

“Do you remember how ‘off’ I felt that last night in Atlanta?” I asked. I could feel Chris’ face nod against mine, he kept quiet allowing me to keep my train of thought without interruption. Taking a deep breath, I pushed on, “And how when we woke up the next morning I felt like shit, and we wrote it off as the super flu?”

“Yeah…” He breathed, full of hesitation while signalling me to go on.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I told him, “Well, it wasn’t the super flu…it was my period.” Pausing, I blinked back the tears welling in my eyes, taking a shaky breath as I confessed, “The first period I’ve had since we met…”

The room was eerily quiet, only the sound of the water dripping off of the gutter outside with the break in the rain and the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears punctuated the silence.

“With all the chaos of the paparazzi, the tabloids and coming to visit for Halloween…I should have had one, but it was so crazy, and I was so excited, Chris…I didn’t realize it because I was back on the birth control by then, and then that night we went out with your brother and sisters, all the drinking that weekend, and you telling me you loved me…it was overwhelming in the best way possible! And then I was so busy with work before Atlanta…”

“And you didn’t know you were…?” Chris asked on a whisper, interrupting.

“No.” I confirmed, hot tears leaking from the outer corners of my eyes as my throat tightened, with my confession; letting go of his arm, I reached up to wipe away the fresh liquid making it’s way down my face. “My doctor put me around six, almost seven weeks when I saw her Monday morning…she said the embryo had ‘ _most likely stopped developing at least a week before_ ’ and it was more often than not a complication with the fetus, not growing properly that is the cause…-” I confessed on a whisper, giving the doctor’s words air quotes; I took a second to try and reign in the emotions, but I failed, gasping a deep breath through the sobbing before telling him, “-I got a friend to fill in for the clients I couldn’t cancel, my doctor wrote me off from work, so add financial stress on top of shock, grief, and depression…that’s why I’ve been the way I’ve been all week. I’ve been a fucking wreck!”

Chris remained silent, so I continued, preparing to tell him exactly what happened.

“You dropped me off, and I just felt sick…once I got past check-in and security, I headed to my gate, and found a seat. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, I couldn’t get settled, and then I was doubled over in excruciating pain, like I was being beaten with baseball bats…it wasn’t normal, not for me…” I recounted for Chris, crying as I went on. “I grabbed my carry-on and ran to the restroom. I was spotting already…’ _spotting_ ’…-” Snorting a bitter laugh, I went on, “-it looked like a fucking horror movie in my jeans…that was the moment it hit me, and I lost it, in complete hysterics. There was a woman that asked if there was anything she could do for me…she was so sweet, took pity on me…she asked what size I wore, came back with sweats, a hoodie, pads and a bag of snacks and Gatorade. She pushed them under the door, told me she’d stay with me until her flight was called…she did.” I said flatly. “Her name was Cheryl…she talked me down from the ledge, got me to change into the sweats, and finally come out of the stall. She took one look at me, and knew…she asked me, ‘First time?’. She found us a quiet row of seats out in the gate, and let me cry on her shoulder…telling me I’d need to call my doctor, get an appointment set up…and then she had to leave.”

Staring at a spot on the ceiling, I confessed to the darkness, “Got in the next day, and the doctor confirmed it…at that point, I was evacuating the contents of my uterus, and it was as she put it, ‘down to being just a really bad period now’…but it wasn’t, Chris. It was so much worse. Physically, yes, it was just the worse period I’ve ever had, but everything else…that’s why I was so distant, so different…so horrible this last week, today especially! Nobody knows…not even my mom.”

Chris rolled to his back, a hand covering his mouth as he stared at the shadows moving across the ceiling; the soft sound of rain beginning to fall picked up and the familiar and soothing sound of thunder crept into the room. Pulling his hand from where it rested on his mouth, his face turned to me, shock, confusion and sadness mixed in the expression he wore as he looked at me with such heartbreak in the low light of his room.

“Babe…” He sobbed, reaching to pull me to him. I swiped a hand under my eyes once again, sniffing loudly to clear my airways without much success.

“That’s why…you’ve…Baby!” Chris sputtered before his voice cracked and he tugged me into his chest. The moment my face met the dusting of hair on his chest, I broke, letting everything out.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry!” I sobbed, trying to curl up on myself, but his hands held me planted, not allowing me to but a barrier between us be it distance or physical.

“Why are you apologizing? This isn’t something you planned on!” Chris asked, his own crying making his voice thick with emotion. “Kay, I’ve been so worried about you! _NEVER_ did I think this was what was going on!-” He sobbed, one hand lifted off my shoulder to wipe his face, adding, “-Baby, **_WHY_** didn’t you call me? I would have been on the next flight out…you shouldn’t have been dealing with this by yourself!”

“I couldn’t! I couldn’t tell you over the phone!” I keened, crying into his neck as he shifted me higher.

“Katie, I don’t care if it was over the phone, in a text, or from a fahking carrier pigeon! I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, you have to talk to me! Especially about stuff like THIS!” He said, voice soft but full of pain.

“It’s too soon…I was scared, Chris! I was so scared, and overwhelmed, and grief stricken…I’m sorry.” I admitted, voice tapering off as a fresh wave of molten tears hit. “I…I was just so afraid…”

“What were you afraid of, babe? That I was going to upset?-” Chris asked on a sob. Nodding, I gasped for air, crying hard in his embrace. “-I’m not upset that you were pregnant…I told you, I’m going to marry you, and babies come after that…no, what I’m upset about, is you not letting me in, not coming to me with this!-” He paused, inhaling deeply, as he went on, voice cracking as he told me, “-This was my baby too…-” Hearing him say those five words, had both of us cracking, emotions spilling out everywhere; he covered his mouth to mask the sob the escaped him, I buried my face in his neck as more tears managed to manifest, from where exactly, I had no clue…It took a moment, but with a shaky voice, Chris added, “-I had just as much right to be there, to be your support through this! Baby, this is killing me, knowing you’ve been through the worst week of your life, and doing it without anybody to lean on!”

“I couldn’t…I just couldn’t! You had obligations, ones that were put in place a helluva lot longer than you’ve known me…” I started, but he stopped me

“That’s bullshit, and you know it!” He exclaimed, catching his loud tone and quieting it to not the other members of the sleeping house. “Katie, they would have understood…this was an emergency! They would have pushed my scenes and let me go…Marvel’s my family, but so are you, you’re the one I plan on having a family with!” He told me, voice thick and cracking as he explained rolling onto his side and pulling me into his body.

“It’s too soon…this is all too soon!” I wailed, clinging to him, my voice muffled from his body enveloping me, hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. His soft ‘shhh’ was meant to placate me, but it only spurred my tears on. “You don’t need to be tied down to a woman that gets knocked up within days after you met her! You don’t need that kind of baggage following you Chris! You don’t deserve that! You deserve the Fairy Tale and the white picket fence…not a baby mama and some botched attempt at making things legit…”

“Kay…shh! Katie, Baby, look at me.” Chris sniffed, lifting my head to look at him through my swollen eyes, still leaking. “Stop! Stop putting yourself down, and listen to me, okay?”

Swallowing hard, I barely inclined my head in an affirmation of acknowledgement.

“I don’t blame you, because I’m just as guilty, if not more so…I got so caught up, I didn’t put on the fahking rubber too many times to count. We were both in the same boat, okay?” He pointed out, one hand rubbing reassuring circles over my back, shoulders, and arms. “We fahked up…both of us. Does that mean this was a mistake? No…I’ve never been more sure of something in my life!”

“We haven’t even been together two months Chris! This is too much, too soon!” I pointed out, hiccuping at the last.

“Babe, I’ve been in love with you since the moment I first set eyes on you in Anna’s kitchen…’ _too soon_ ’ isn’t soon enough when you find the right person, not when you’re watching your friends and family all get married and start popping out kids!” He said, swiping a finger under his eyes then ghosting his thumb under mine to wipe away tears. “Right now might not be the time, but it’s coming…will you talk to me, from now on? If it’s gonna be you and me, and eventually a family, you can’t shut me out…”

“Chris…I don’t even know if I can…” I sobbed all over again, his finger halting my sentence when he pressed it to my lips to shut me up.

“Don’t.” He whispered, swallowing hard as he hugged me close. “Don’t even think what you were about to say. Once you’ve recovered, we can find out…but no more toxic thoughts, okay? Think happy thoughts, like walking down the aisle, never having to worry about asshats like that douche in Vegas anymore because you’ll be ‘Mrs. Evans’…trips to Disney while we pull our hair out chasing after a pack of screaming hellions…”

“I think you forgot something, Big Guy.” I breathed against his neck.

“And what might that be, Tinkerbell?”

“You never asked.” I hiccuped, suddenly exhausted from my outburst of emotion and getting the crushing weight off my chest; I had been right, clearing my conscious took a substantial amount of weight off me and now sleep loomed closer and closer.

“‘Cause I already know the answer, Princess…” He told me, sniffing loudly to clear his sinuses.

“It would still be nice to get asked…even though I’m broken…” I sighed, scrubbing a finger to my tired and itchy eyes, pressing my fingertips to the pressure pressing against my sinuses after crying so hard yet again in the last few hours.

“You’re not broken, Babe. You’re so strong, facing this on your own…warrior woman, you don’t need to do it alone though-” He yawned, tightening his arm around my waist, pressing his face to mine, and rubbing his nose over the tip of my own, a tiny smile lifting the corners of his mouth as he added, “That’s it…I’m callin’ you Xena from now on. My Warrior Princess.”

“My Gram calls me her Warrior Princess…” I admitted, the thought of the old woman I loved so much flashing in my mind, making the barest hint of a smile tug at my mouth.

“Great minds…” Chris sighed, his breathing slowing as sleep pulled him back under.

“She keeps asking when she gets to meet you.” I yawned, wiggling further down the mattress to snuggle more easily into Chris’ body.

“And what did you tell her?” He asked softly, his hand slipping under the covers, snaking into the shirt I wore to trace lazy patterns on the bare skin of my back, fighting sleep, now that he had me talking and on the road to acting like my old self.

“That it was up to you…what and when your schedule allowed.”

“This is the ol’ lady that chases man strippers around, and puts JD in her cereal, right?” Chris hummed.

“Yeah, that’s her.” I confirmed, my face lifting in an actual smile. “Where do you think I get it from?”

Chris’ soft chuckle vibrated along my forehead as his lips pressed a kiss there once he stretched to reach.

“I’m sorry…for earlier, with Jules. I truly am…I was being a bitch, and I never should have done that.” I apologized, heartfelt and full of shame as I snuggled as close as I could, my head tucked under his chin; the feeling of his larger foot pulling my leg to tangle with his, his foot absentmindedly rubbing mine in the wool socks I had pulled on earlier, an act of reassurance for both of us as we faded into sleep in the quiet moments that followed until he spoke, soft and barely audible.

“I know. I understand why you did it now, doesn’t mean I like that you did it…but I forgive you.-” Chris breathed, his voice dropping off as he failed to stay awake, “-You’re mine, not letting go…marry me?”

* * *

Chris woke with a jolt as a clap of thunder shook the house. Looking over at the lump in the blankets, he was relieved to see Katie was out for the count.

_‘She was more tired than she let on if she’s sleeping through this racket…’_ His Brain mused, knowing even the slightest sound would normally wake her.

Propping himself up on an elbow, he leaned over, pressing a kiss to the top of her head sticking out of the blankets she cocooned and burrowed in, whispering, “I love you, get some sleep, Baby.”

Chris climbed out of his bed as quietly and as gently as possible as not to disturb Katie; standing in the cool, grey light of the overcast morning trying to infiltrate the blinds, he snagged a shirt and lounge pants from the dresser; pulling them on, he moved to the door, sneaking out to head downstairs.

Walking into the kitchen, Chris wasn’t surprised to see his mother standing at the sink, washing up dishes. The clock on the stove read almost 8:30, the kids were at school, and the other adults were off at work. The padding of his bare feet on the cold tile caught Lisa’s ear, making her turn her head to smile and tell her oldest son hello as he bent to scratch the canine heads that walked over to say hello, Dodger included.

“Morning Ma.” Chris croaked, stepping close to kiss her cheek before moving to retrieve a mug from the cabinet and pour himself a cup of coffee.

“Good Morning, Darling Boy. How’d you sleep?” She asked.

Sighing heavily, Chris paused, staring down at the contents of his cup; Dodger walked over, sitting at his feet, staring up at his human expecting attention.

“That good, huh?” Lisa asked, concerned as she turned to look at him, a hand propped on her hip.

“It was just a really long day yesterday…and an even longer night last night.” He told her, not wanting to drop the bomb on her when he himself had only just gotten the news and hadn’t had a chance to process the fact that Katie had been pregnant and just as suddenly as it happened, she lost it.

“You wanna talk about it?” His mother asked, echoing him to Katie. The influence his mother had on him was unquestionable, and seeing the aspects of herself she had instilled in him be made so crystal clear had smile curling one side of his mouth.

“Do you remember that day when I ran home and told you I had sex for the first time?” Chris asked, turning to lean against the counter, snorting a soft laugh as he looked to Lisa, his mug held high just short of his mouth.

“How could I forget, Christopher?” His mother chuckled.

“Remember how excited I was?”

“Yesss…what’s going on, Chris? What are you trying to tell me?” Lisa asked, one eyebrow raised as she narrowed her eyes, waiting for his response.

“Katie…that’s how she makes me feel.” Chris said looking up from the rim of his steaming mug.

“I was a little worried, I thought you were going to tell me that she’s pregnant…”

“She was.” Chris confessed, staring across the room to his mother. He hadn’t wanted to bring it up, just dropping the bomb on another person when he hadn’t had any time to process the news himself, but this was his mom…she could read him like a book and he wasn’t going to beat around the bush when she brought it up, pretty much asking him flat out.

“Was?”

Nodding, Chris confirmed her question. Dodger leaned into his leg, picking up on Chris’s emotions like Katie would.

“Was.” He confirmed with a sad, little nod. “She lost it a week ago…I guess she was about 6-7 weeks along.” Chris said, flatly rattling off the information Katie had told him in the early morning hours, looking at a discolored spot on the kitchen floor as his free hand reached down to fondle his dog’s soft ear absentmindedly. “She told me late last night…early this morning, it’s all kind of a blur, to be honest…That giddiness and excitement I felt about becoming a man that day? Well, right now I feel nothing but the agony and heartbreak of having the one thing I’ve ever wanted snatched out of my hands without even knowing it, Ma. I’m watching the woman I love battle demons, thinking she’s broken and questioning everything about her, about us because she had a miscarriage, because she knows how much I want kids…she blames herself.”

“Sweetheart! Oh, come here!” Lisa cried, waving Chris over for a hug. Reassuring him, she said, “Darling, I’m so sorry! There’s nothing you can do in those situations, I hate to say it…it’s more common than people think…it’s more rare for a woman to never have gone through this than not. I’m lucky to have you and your brother and sisters, Lord knows, your father and I tried more than four times…”

“Why’d she wait so long to tell you? Why didn’t she call you so you could be with her sooner?” Lisa asked a minute later, her hands now holding Chris’ face so she could look deep in his eyes.

“Said she was scared…couldn’t tell me over the phone…that I had ‘obligations that out weighed’ her…”

“That first excuse, that’s a valid reason, but those last two…that’s a bunch of crap.” Lisa said.

“That’s what I told her! I keep telling her ‘you can’t keep shutting me out, I’m here for you, please talk to me’…I hope someday she’ll actually listen! I don’t know how to make her trust me, Ma…it’s the assholes that fahked her over in the past…”

“You just have to be patient…show her you mean it. That’s all you can really do, Sweetheart. I mean, you two have been moving really fast…”

“Ma, she’s it! I can’t fahking move fast enough with her! But on the other hand, I know it scares the ever living shit out of her, and I want to slow down, be a gentleman, romance her, do things old fashioned…but I see all my friends either married or getting married, starting families…”

“Are you sure you’re not jumping the gun, because of seeing all them reaching those milestones?” Lisa asked softly.

“Ma, she’s my missing piece! I can picture all of those things, marriage, babies, a house…I can imagine them with her, I _WANT_ them with her!”

“Does she know that?”

“Yeah. I told her that last time we were here actually…”

“And what about now, after you found out you were almost a father?”

Chris nodded, lifting his mug for a sip. 

_‘Almost a father_ ’…those three words slashed him through the heart.

_‘You may not have know it, but you **WERE** a father.’_ His heart wailed, aching and broken at his mother’s words.

“I told her last night, while trying to keep her calm after she broke down telling me.”

“And how did she react?”

Chuckling without any amusement, Chris ran his tongue over his teeth, admitting, “She said, ‘you haven’t asked me yet’.”

“Well, have you?”

“I asked her as I fell asleep…but other than that, no…I told her I’d wait until the right moment, when she was ready…”

“And you think this is the right moment? A little more than a week after she lost an unplanned pregnancy, dealing with the emotions and after effects of that on her own, then putting up with you and your friends on the football team on top of warring feelings that she warned you she didn’t want to deal with, mind you…and then bucking up the courage to tell you, the father, why she’s been acting weird this last week?” Lisa recapped, tilting her head to the side as she leveled Chris with a look. “Not the best timing, Chris…or the most romantic. If she’s everything you say she is, you’re gonna need to do better than mumbling the most important question of your life as you pass out!”

“I know, Ma…I know.” Chris sighed, looking at his mother with sad eyes.

“She’s still sleeping?” Lisa asked, touching Chris’ cheek softly. He nodded, affirming her question.

“She hasn’t been getting a whole helluva lot of rest, at least not good rest lately, so if she can get some through this storm…I’m gonna let her choose when she comes downstairs.” Chris said, stepping back to grab his mug of coffee, lifting it for a sip before going on, “What’s the plan for dinner?”

Lisa stood back, thinking for a second before saying, “Leftovers, why, what are you thinking?”

“Chicken soup? Or minestrone? Either way, it’ll help with leftovers and not needing to worry about cooking the next few days…plus soup would help make her feel better…” He spouted off.

“Chris…” Lisa called softly, her hand reaching to touch his forearm; his face turned to look at his mother, eyes wide, silently asking her what she wanted. Lisa’s head tipped to the side, taking him in before quietly asking, “Are _YOU_ okay? You just got the news you were going to be a father followed by news you weren’t…how are _YOU_ feeling?”

Taking a deep breath, Chris stopped, taking a moment to think about the emotions and thoughts flying through his mind in that moment. Swallowing, he cleared his throat before answering.

“Honestly?”

Lisa nodded, prompting him to go on.

“I don’t know…broken? But I know that how I feel doesn’t compare to what Katie’s just lived through…seeing her like this, Ma…right now I have to focus on bringing her back from the precipice then I can deal with my emotions, but this is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt! That much I know…” He told his mother, scrubbing his hand over his face, tired and hurting.

“That’s understandable.” Lisa said, rubbing her hands from Chris’ shoulders down his biceps, reassuring him with a sad smile. “I’m always here if you or Katie need an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, you know that, right?”

Chris nodded, pulling his arm from her touch to wrap around his mother’s shoulder, pulling her into his body for a tight hug and kiss to the top of her head.

“I do know that…thank you, Ma.”

“Well, this will be interesting, that’s for sure…” Lisa said, pulling Chris out of his thoughts of Katie upstairs, cocooned in the comforter, drained and broken but showing the indomitable strength of her stubbornness to deal with this alone, not wanting to rely on other people. Leaning back, Chris raised a brow, inquiring what she meant; Lisa took a deep breath, stepping back out of Chris’ embrace to sigh heavily before telling him, “The kids have been so excited to see her…the both of you, that the only way we could keep them from bum rushing your room before school was to tell them you’d go pick them up from school today…”

“Shit…” Chris sighed, blowing out a breath anxiously, his hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck out of nervous habit before adding, “I’ll pick them up, that’s not going to be a problem…it’s just trying to explain…”

Lisa squeezed his bicep, offering a sad grimace as she interrupted.

“You don’t have to tell them everything, but they need to understand Katie’s not going to be like she was the last time she was here-” Lisa told him, “-that way they know why she’s acting differently, and don’t pester her while she comes to terms with telling you, and you two work things out between you…”

Nodding, Chris ran through what he could say later that afternoon to explain to his sister’s kids without saying everything, because he knew if he told them Katie had been expecting a baby but not anymore, Stella in particular wouldn’t be able to get past the word ‘baby’ and that wouldn’t be good when they got loud and boisterous, excited about getting a new cousin when they saw Katie…that was the last thing he wanted, to make her retreat even further into her grief and depression.

“I’ll figure it out…” Chris breathed, feeling overwhelmed with not only his own emotions, but worrying about Katie’s.

‘ _She’s been doing this for a week with all that shit resting on her shoulders…_ ’ His Brain pointed out, voice flat, and broken. _‘You’ve been doing it for less than twelve hours…it’s a wonder she made it through yesterday as well as she did with all the shit you added to her plate!_ ’

His Heart agreed, interjecting, _‘You think you feel overwhelmed now? Well, welcome to fatherhood…because this is your introduction! Caring for somebody else so much you take on their well being, concerns, feelings, and emotions on top of your own…that’s your first lesson in being a husband and father, and it’s a helluva learning curve isn’t it?’_

Swallowing, Chris looked to his mother briefly before staring at the pictures on the fridge, the tired smile he wore lifting the left side of his face in a tiny lopsided grin as he noticed a new photo among the collage of him and his siblings through the years, his niece and nephews as well, this one including Katie as she held Stella, both wearing their Dorothy costumes to go trick-or-treating; feeling his throat tighten, he whispered, confessing, “I wish there was something I could do to take all of it away, to make the pain go away…”

Lisa’s sad expression met his when she saw he found the new addition on the fridge, turning to look at her.

“I know…you really do love her, don’t you?” She asked.

Chris nodded.

“I do. More than anybody else…-” he said with honesty, pointing at the fridge, he went on adding, “-She made the fridge after one trip…”

“She did…” Lisa admitted. “I told you last time you both were here, she’s special…hearing you talk Chris, I’m glad to know where you plan on taking things with her, because I’ll gladly support this, even though I’m heartbroken at hearing this latest news…but she’s good for you.”

“Thanks Ma…she’s the best thing I never knew I needed.”

* * *

After the heart to heart with his mom in the kitchen, Chris poured another cup of coffee, heading out the back door to let Dodger do his business while Chris allowed himself a cigarette; he had been trying to cut back, knowing Katie wasn’t a fan of his dirty habit after growing up with a family full of smokers, but she had told him that she understood it wasn’t easy to give up if the smoker wasn’t ready and willing to quit.

His mom had gone upstairs to get ready for her day of running errands before heading to the theater for a rehearsal of the upcoming production of A Christmas Carol later that afternoon. Chris heard the shower running, so he grabbed a towel to dry Dodger before heading back upstairs himself to check on Katie, Dodger leading the charge.

Cracking the door open, Chris poked his head inside; she hadn’t moved much, the mountain of material wrapped around her but now she faced the rest of the room, her fingers poking out from under the fabric the tiniest bit. Dodger pushed the door open, rushing over to the bed.

“D!” Chris hissed, frustrated and worried his dog was going to wake her as he jumped up on the mattress, laying down next to Katie; his nose pushed against her fingers as a soft whine escaped him. Walking into the room he snapped his fingers to get the dog’s attention, pointing for him to get down off the bed but Chris saw movement under the comforter; a second later, her fingers moved in Dodgers longer fur at the back of his head.

“Hey buddy…I missed you too…have you been good?” Katie asked, still mostly asleep and muffled by the blanket around her. Moving to get a better look at the opening around her face, Chris sat on the edge of the bed.

“How you feeling, Babe? Need anything?” He asked, reaching to pat Dodger’s head, scratching behind his ear just how the dog liked before resting his hand on Katie’s, lifting it to kiss the back of her fingers tenderly. He had been honest earlier, both with Katie and his mother, saying he didn’t know which way to turn, what was up and what was down, where to even begin with trying to process all the things he was thinking and feeling expect making sure Katie was ‘okay’ for lack of a better word. The thought he had in the kitchen in regards to this being his first introduction to fatherhood pushing itself to the forefront of his mind, making him tear up, swallowing the tightness threatening to choke him.

“Come back to bed…hold me? Please?”

That quiet plea slayed him; failing to fight off his emotions, Chris lifted his free hand to wipe away the tears that spilled over as he cleared his throat to croak out his answer.

“Of course…” He rasped, shifting to stand. Looking down at Dodger, who had lifted his head, staring up at his master with mournful eyes, begging to stay; he let a heavy canine sigh of resign loose when Chris told him to move, smiling at the way his dog didn’t want to leave Katie’s side even if it was to only step over her and hunker down between her and the wall. Searching for the edge of the covers, Chris pulled them to allow him some warmth in the chill of the air seeping through the window before joining Katie back in bed.

Laying flat on his back, Chris called her over, pulling Katie to him to wrap his arms around her; he had noticed the shift back to the norm in her once she spilled her guts, telling him about the airport, and everything that happened afterwards, she hadn’t folded in on herself entirely like before, wasn’t shying away from him, wasn’t as on edge and lashing out at every available chance…and when she willingly sought him out, draping herself over his body, clinging to him tightly, he could only tighten his arms to reassure her, telling her silently that he wasn’t going to let anything else hurt her.

Leaning his head to the side, Chris looked at her face as she buried her face into his neck, relaxing as best she could with everything she was feeling and going through. Her eyes were so swollen from crying they were practically slits, her nose was so stuffy and congested she could only breathe through her mouth, the little puffs of her exhales tickling his neck as he closed his eyes, needing to tell her, “I told Ma…”

Katie’s sniffle was his answer before she asked in a tight, high voice, “What’d she say?”

Fingers burying in her in hair, Chris massaged her head, working down to her neck as his left hand lifted to wipe his eyes of the tears that had leaked from his eyes at a fast rate now that he had her in his arms, mostly awake and talking about ‘it’.

“She’s sad and upset…” He said, blowing out a deep breath before resting his cheek on the top of Katie’s head, telling her, “She wants you to know that if there’s anything she can do, she’s more than happy to do it…when you’re ready, she’s got a hug waiting for you.” Reaching for her hand, Chris wrapped his larger one around her smaller one, lifting it to kiss her knuckles before resting them on his chest, over his heart. “She knew something was up, and when I tried to explain without getting into details, she pretty much asked point blank if you were…-” Chris caught himself before finishing that train of thought, choking up at the knowledge he WAS going to be a father…but the pain of that operative word felt like a stab to the heart. Sniffing loudly to clear his nose, and swallowing the lump in his throat, Chris started up with another subject. “-Ma didn’t exactly look thrilled at first, with how fast this happened, but she didn’t seem surprised by it either…and then the realization of what I told her showed me what I needed to know…”

“Which was?” Katie whispered, her pointer finger barely moving on his shirt to caress him, letting him know she was still there in her shroud of blackness without realizing it.

“She wasn’t happy about the timing, not the pregnancy itself. She approves of you…more so than anybody else in a really, really long time.” Chris explained; his left hand rubbed over her hand and forearm gently as he went on, “She acknowledged she likes the idea of you sticking around…and I saw a flash of her wanting another grand-baby in her sadness of hearing the news.”

Chris felt her tense in his arms.

“And what about you? You haven’t said much since last night…” Her question soft with her flat voice not quiet masking the fear and anxiety.

“I’m still trying to process everything, Kay…and I’m worried about you, about everything you’ve been through without me…”

“That’s not what I meant Chris…” Katie breathed.

“I know, but I told you…I’m still trying to wade through my thoughts and emotions, trying to piece shit together and make sense of it all.-” He sighed, giving into the feeling of defeat that washed over him; here she was, beat down and broken, wallowing in her grieving process, and she was calling him on the carpet. “-The shock hasn’t worn off yet…you’ve had longer to face it, to come to terms and grieve…”

The feeling of wet trickling down his neck told him Katie was crying again, making his own tears begin again; dashing them away, he told her, “It might not seem like I’m feeling anything right now, not dealing with the loss…but I promise you, Babe…I’ve _NEVER_ felt like how I do right now-” Chris pulled his arm tight, holding Katie as close as possible as he pressed his lips to her forehead, whispering along her skin, “-my heart aches and is so beyond broken watching you, knowing you had this tiny part of you and me, growing inside you…and seeing how devastated you are, how much you want _OUR_ baby back…realizing for a moment there, I was a father and didn’t even know it…right now, it might not look like it, but deep down inside, a little part of me is dying.”

The shaking of quiet sobs shook Katie’s body where it was pressed to his; wrapping his arms tighter, Chris felt his face pinch as he joined her in grieving their loss, but the tiny flicker of hope for their future was the one thing that kept him from losing himself completely in his emotions.

Katie had eventually cried herself to sleep once more, and now she was bundled up in the comforter with Dodger keeping silent guard, not budging from her when Chris checked the time, pulling himself from the bed to get dressed to pick up his niece and nephews in a little while; Dodger lifted his head, standing from his spot between Katie and wall to move to the spot Chris had occupied, settling quickly once he laid down. Chris patted his leg, calling the dog quietly, as to not disturb Katie from the sleep she desperately needed, but the sweet boy ignored him which made Chris walk back over to slip his hand in the nylon collar around his dog’s neck giving a gentle tug; the rust and white mixed breed emitted a low growl, essentially telling his master, ‘I not leabing Momma…she haz a sad. I make it better.’

Chris couldn’t be mad at him, his heart aching at the connection between his dog and his girlfriend, just another sign she was supposed to be in his life-his dog had claimed him at the shelter that fateful day, and he stuck another claim now on Katie. Bending to kiss the top of Dodger’s furry head, Chris patted it a few times, telling him in a hushed voice, “Okay, you can stay…stay with her, keep Momma safe until I get back.”

The furry head bucked up, bonking into Chris’ face to communicate he would do just that; smiling down at that sweet face, Chris scratched his head once more, telling him, “Good boy…I’ll be back in a little bit. Stay.”

He slipped out of the room, down the hall and stairs to grab the booster seat his mother had left in the entryway for Stella, locking up as he walked out the door to go pick up his sister’s kids.

* * *

“Unca Chris!” Stella squealed, spotting him in the pick up zone, standing under an umbrella; he had his baseball cap pulled low, his canvas jacket open to show the layers he wore underneath. Miles running up, hot on his sister’s heels had Chris’ mouth lifting at the corners as he squatted down for hugs when the two younger kids made it to him; Ethan had been coming out a few minutes later recently due to his friends and the budding crush between him and a little strawberry blonde girl that sat a couple of seats over from him, but he emerged, spotting his uncle and making a dash to join in on hugs as they finally got to see him.

“Uncle Chris, where’s Auntie Kitty?” Miles asked, looking around for her, his eyes wide and expectant when he settled on Chris.

“Yeah! Where’s Kitty?” Stella echoed; even Ethan searched for her, expecting her to pop up any moment out of thin air.

“She’s back at the house, bud.” Chris told the three of them; their faces fell from their excitement, looking forward to seeing her just as much if not more than seeing him. “She…she’s not feeling very good, so I came to get you guys by myself today…” he explained, but Stella piped up, interrupting him.

“She hab a tummy ache? Momma awways makes me stay home when I hab a tummy ache…” She asked, hugging Chris’ neck.

“No, it’s not a tummy ache, Sweetie…she just doesn’t feel good, she’s really, really sad right now, so I thought, maybe you guys might want to help me find something to cheer her up…you guys ready to go?” He said, looking between all three faces which nodded in response. “Good, let’s get some hot cocoa, and then we’ll get ‘Operation Cheesecake’ underway…we got a couple of stops to make before we head home.”

Pulling up to the house, the kids were happy to be home, and Chris let a sigh of relief blow out of his lips as he parked the car, turning the ignition off; turning in his seat, he looked at the three faces in the backseat reminding them, “I know you’re excited, and you want to see Kitty, but she might not be up to coming downstairs tonight, okay? So just be patient while I see how she feels, alright?”

“But Unca Chris, Kitty said she was gonna he’p us build a fo’t and weed to us!” Stella pouted, traces of her hot cocoa mustache still clinging to her top lip.

“I know, Tinkerbella Stella…if she doesn’t, maybe I’ll build a fort and read to you guys instead, how’s that sound?” Chris offered, knowing they had been looking forward Katie’s promise of reading The Hobbit, or at least starting to read them one of her favorite books as a child along with watching her favorite Disney movies after her last visit. “Uncle Scott’s coming home too, so between him and me, we’ll build a big fort in the basement, and read to you, play knights and dragons and Stella can be a Princess in the castle!”

“But Auntie Kitty promised…” Miles whined, his bottom lip sticking so far out from his face, Chris chuckled as he leaned back to tap the end of his finger to it.

“I know, buddy…it might not happen this trip, but she’ll make it up to you eventually, I promise!” He said before retreating back to his seat to open the door, saying, “Alright, inside…get your homework done so we can surprise Noni and your mom when they get home and you can watch T.V. before bed.”

The doors opened and Miles jumped out, making a dash for the door once Chris handed over the keys; Ethan helped Stella unbuckle her booster seat, then they took off leaving Chris to grab the bags from their stops from the cargo hold of the rented SUV.

The thought had come to him while holding Katie earlier that morning, that now they both knew, now that both of them were able to start the process of moving forward, they should have some kind of moment of reflection, something physical left as a memento to the life they had created that almost as soon as it sparked into existence was blown out…thinking over the options that came to mind, he decided a trip to the hardware store was in order once he got the kids along with the trip to grocery store for the food he knew Katie would appreciate, acting as a security blanket she could find solace in. So he walked into the kitchen, setting the bags on the counter-a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake in it’s own bag, Gatorade to re-hydrate her after so much crying, a pumpkin pie just for her with it’s own can of whipped cream in another and a box of Plaster of Paris in the bag from the hardware store. Pulling the flowers from where his arm held the bouquet to his side, he held them up to take a closer look at the blooms Stella had insisted on as they walked past the floral section to head to the bakery; a mix of flowers in dark shades of reds, orange, yellow and purple making a beautiful fall arrangement he couldn’t say no to.

* * *

The feeling of deja vu came over Chris as he silently opened the door, peeking inside his old room, finding the lump had shifted across the mattress, and Dodger was back on her other side, his head resting on top of the comforter, facing the door; he lifted his head, tongue lolling out of his mouth at seeing his human slip into the room as the lump in bed stirred.

“I’m back…” Chris told her softly as he crossed to the edge of the bed, sitting as the fabric slowly pulled away to reveal Katie’s face; she was still rocking swollen, exhausted eyes, and she sounded congested still as well, but she looked like she got much needed rest now that the weight was off her shoulders, and she was with him. Holding the flowers up for her to see, Chris leaned forward, brushing his hand over her face to push the hair that had fallen out of the bun she put it into the night before away from her eyes. “These are from the munchkins…I told them you weren’t feeling well, and you’d be down when you were ready. They’re chomping at the bit to see you…they missed you.”

“You didn’t tell them that I was…” She croaked, turning to lay on her back as she pushed the comforter away, letting her get an unrestricted view of Chris and he one of her. Shaking his head, Chris answered softly.

“No…I just told them you weren’t feeling well, and you were sad so they needed to be patient because you might not be up to seeing anybody right now…Stella insisted on the flowers…she said they’d make you happy.”

The sound of little feet stomping up the stairs warned Chris that his niece and nephews hadn’t listened to him, and were going to be waiting at the door, peeking through the slit to see what was going on. Ethan ‘shushing’ his younger siblings confirmed what Chris suspected; looking at Katie, he reached a hand out to brush his thumb over her cheek where a crease from the blanket had marked her skin, telling her in hushed whisper, “You have visitors outside the door…do you want me tell them you aren’t up to see them?”

Looking up at him, Katie inhaled deeply before sighing, saying, “I could use the cuddles…and they won’t leave either of us alone until they see me with their own eyes.”

Chris pushed up from the mattress, walking back to the door; pulling it open, he looked down at the three faces, the kids sitting on the carpet outside in the hallway jockeying for position closest to the door.

“I thought I told you guys to wait downstairs…” Chris said with a soft, tired chuckle before waving them inside. “Come on, Kitty said you can come in and see her, but you have to go love on her…but be quiet, okay?”

All three kids scrambled up, filing into Chris’ old room, moving to the edge of the bed. Stella crawled up onto the mattress, kneeling on the bed; reaching out she petted Dodger’s head where it rested on Katie’s stomach.

“Hi you guys.” Katie said in greeting, her voice thick from not speaking higher than a whisper and crying to much in between bouts of sleep in the last fourteen hours; her mouth lifted at the corners, curling into a tiny semblance of a smile for the youngest members of Chris’ family. Her hand moved to caress Stella’s knee before extending to touch Miles’ hand and finally Ethan’s as well. “Have you been good? Did you do what I said, did you listen to your mom and Noni and keep up the hard work at school?”

“Yeah…Auntie Kitty, are you gonna read to us like you said?” Miles inquired, his brother and sister nodding along with their answers to my question.

“Bud…what did I tell you in the car?” Chris said, trying to remind his nephew of his warning, but Katie smiled sadly at the boy, reaching to grab his hand, tugging Miles to climb up on the bed too.

“Not tonight…and probably not tomorrow night, since you still have school the next morning, but how about after you get home on Wednesday, you, me, Uncle Chris and Uncle Scott build that fort, and I’ll start the story then? That way if you like it, we’ll have the rest of the weekend to read it, how does that sound?” Katie offered. The three little faces nodded, liking that compromise. Holding her arm up, Katie told them, “Alright, it’s a date then! Can I have hugs now? I missed you guys and even though Uncle Chris gives the best bear hugs, I need baby bear hugs to help me feel better…”

Miles was the first one to wrap around her, his little arms hugging her tight as Chris heard his small voice tell her, “I missed you Auntie.”

Stella was next, her body rocking back and forth as she grunted to show her exertion at trying to help Katie feel better; when she pulled back, Katie smiled at her, saying with a kiss to Stella’s forehead, “Thank you for the flowers, Princess…they do make me happy.”

Ethan sat on the bed to lean over and hug Katie, telling her he had missed her too and was looking forward to hearing the story she was planning on introducing them too.

“Alright…you’ve seen her, you got hugs…now you guys head back down to the table to get homework done!” Chris told them, corralling the three and herding them out of the room to let Katie have a moment if she needed it since this was the first interaction with other people since she broke down after the night before. Chris stood at the door jam, watching the kids head back downstairs when he caught the sound of Dodger’s tags jangling and the rustling of fabric back in the bedroom; turning around, he found Katie sitting in bed, inching her way to edge. Concerned, he stepped back inside, crossing the room in a couple of strides to stand before her, saying, “Babe, you don’t have to get up…take your time, whenever you’re ready…”

“I have to pee, Chris…” She told him, her face turning up to offer him a tiny smile. Stretching, she yawned widely before adding, “I think I’m ready to get up…”

“Babe, don’t rush yourself because you feel like you have to be present and accounted for…take your time if you need it. I’m sure Ma let Carl and Shan know something was going on with you, so they’ll understand if you aren’t…”

“I think I’m good…I just had a really rough day yesterday, and it carried over and took it’s toll on me today…but I need to get out of bed, before I go insane.” She sighed before standing; moving to her suitcase, Chris could see she was still beat, her movements slow and heavy as she pulled a blue hoodie from the innards of the luggage, a familiar logo staring him in the face, making him smile inwardly even as he teased her.

“Really Babe? All those hoodies in your closet and you brought that one?” He asked as the smile spread outwards to show physically on his face. She pulled the worn fabric on, her head popping out of the neck hole into the hood.

“It’s the only one I’ve been wearing lately…the only connection to you I allowed myself this last week.” Katie confessed, looking him in the eye with a hint of guilt at pushing him away until arriving back in Boston. “Everything else…texts, calls, pictures, your movies…it all hurt too much, but Cap’s shield was safe. It was my talisman and security blanket.”

“And what about now? You got the man himself standing in front of you, ready to do everything in his power to take the pain away…” Chris said, stepping forward to wrap her in his arms, his eyes sad and honest with his admission.

Her arms snaked around his waist, hugging him tight as her face pressed into his neck.

“Your light’s leading me home, Chris-” Katie breathed, snuggling as close as she could get, inhaling deeply. “-just continue being you, the amazing, wonderful, patient, loving man you are, until it’s time for more…”

“I don’t know about all that, Babe…” He tried to laugh, but her admission had him getting emotional again, so instead of a chuckle it came out strangled as he squeezed her reassuringly.

Leaning back, she looked up, meeting his gaze for the first time with the intensity of before their worlds were rocked so violently.

“Don’t play the self depreciating asshole right now, Chris…I’m trying to tell you I love you. It’s the first real emotion I’ve felt other than consuming grief and depression in the last week…I didn’t think I was going to feel anything else for a long time, but seeing you, my guilt was so great because I love you so much…and you knowing what happened, and how you’re reacted… it’s shown me just how much you love me…-” Katie told him, serious as a heart attack and showing that fire he couldn’t resist as it’s glowing embers caught tinder and began crackling from the soot and ashes that threatened it to snuff it out.

He couldn’t stop himself from asking the question that had been brooding in his mind and heart since the night before with her proclaiming how much she loved him just now.

“What about Jules?” He said, voice hardly more than a sigh; his eyes searched hers, finally meeting his, clear of the shame and guilt she had hidden behind all week.

“What about him?” Katie answered, adding, “I never should have done what I did…truly, I am sorry, Chris. Please believe me, it’s something I’ll have to live with, knowing I willingly tried to hurt you as deeply as possible and did a damned good job of it too…but he’s not you!” Pulling her right arm from his waist, she rested her hand over his heart, her head bowing slightly as she confessed, just loud enough for him to hear, “-You told me from the get go, you’d keep telling me you were all in until I believed you, well, I’ll spend the rest of my days telling you ‘You’re all I want.’ Knowing I have you…until it’s time for more, time for a family…it’s enough… _YOU’RE_ enough.”

“Are you sure? You’re not going to run off with Edel…” Chris started to say, but Katie’s hand skated up his chest to his neck, pulling him to her for a kiss that shut him up. It started with their lips touching for the first time in over a week, the soft flesh of her mouth barely brushing against his in a tentative show, making his heart ache with happiness at her initiation of the kiss; wrapping his arms around her, Chris held her close, returning the bolder attention she gave him as their mouths opened to deepen the kiss, feeling that even though everything in the world they were building together was in ruins right now, it wouldn’t stay that way forever and this was the foundation they would build their lives on.

Pulling away, Katie pulled her hand from behind his neck to rub her thumb over his cheek while pressing her forehead to his, saying, “All roads lead to you…you’re ‘ _home_ ’. Besides, you’re stuck with me…’ _till the end of the line_.’”

Strangling a pained groan, Chris fought the emotions bubbling up at the sweet words until she finished, saying, “You went there…you shouldn’t be cracking jokes…”

“Gotta start somewhere…” She whispered, stroking his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too…so much! You’re gonna be okay?” He asked, genuinely concerned.

“Eventually…we both will, once we accept it, and mourn…”

“About that…I have an idea about how to do that and have something to honor the memory of our little tadpole…”





End file.
